Jayne Is From Mars, Kaylee Is From Venus
by NoMoreJacksPlz
Summary: One-shots focusing on the comedy of a Jayne/Kaylee romance. **NOW A SERIES**
1. Dropped

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** This is a series of one-shots that I wrote in 2006 and 2007. Each fic stands on its own, but together they do form a loose story.

* * *

The closet was tight and dark, and Jayne had already stubbed his toe, but the pain was little compared to the pleasure of having Kaylee Frye attached to his lips.

He chuckled to himself as she eagerly untucked his shirt. Nothin' like a soft young thing itchin' for some action in a dark, illicit place where you just might get discovered. He'd forgotten—almost—how good it could be. He made a satisfied growl in his throat and shifted his weight to maneuver Kaylee against the wall, when he lost his balance, dropping Kaylee as he grabbed madly for anything to break his fall. Unfortunately, he grabbed a metal shelving unit that fell forward and clanged against the other wall, and whatever was on the shelves slid off. In the blackness, he heard Kaylee yelp in surprise, and a bunch of falling things made a shower of thumps.

For a moment, there was complete silence.

Jayne cleared his throat carefully. "Uh, you okay?" he asked.

"What do you think?" came the reply, which sounded not so happy to Jayne's ears.

He felt around for the wall, and then ran his hands along it until he found the light switch. He clicked it, and their surroundings became visible.

Kaylee was buried under a mountain of toilet paper rolls and the shelving unit. "And you thought this was a good idea because...?"

"I was improvisin'!" Not the best excuse, but it was the first thing that came to mind.

There was another moment of silence.

Jayne gingerly righted the shelving unit.

A little more silence.

Glaring at him, Kaylee freed a hand from under the pile of toilet paper rolls and held it out to him.

He stared at her for a minute, until it dawned on him: "Oh, right." Jayne extended a hand and easily pulled her to her feet. He was surprised at how small she actually was; her personality made her seem much bigger. Especially in her current mood, which featured a very red face and some angry eyebrows.

"Glad to see you're not, uh, hurt or nothin'," he mumbled.

Kaylee brushed herself off and looked around, then groaned, shaking her head. "_Never again,_" she muttered to herself.

"Now wait a second," Jayne interjected, feeling a few feathers ruffled. "You said you wanted some excitement. I was givin' it to you."

"You _dropped_ me, Jayne. And then a bunch of toilet paper and a shelf fell on me!"

Jayne threw up his hands. "It was an accident! They happen!"

Kaylee sighed. "You know, Jayne, all I was askin' for was a little seduction. I wasn't askin' you to recite the alphabet."

"Hey! Don't bring my alphabet into this! My alphabet is right purty!"

Kaylee just rolled her eyes and pushed by him, and Jayne, sensing his only chance at carnal knowledge in weeks slipping away from him, quickly racked his brain. "Wait, wait. I can make it up to you! How 'bout in the engine room? You like gears, I like gears...."

"You do not like gears!"

"I could learn to like 'em! Real fast!"

A withering look from Kaylee silenced him. "Jayne? This ship has sailed. Say goodbye."

He gaped at her. "No! Wait!" he called to her back as she stomped out of the closet. "Come on, you're supposed to be nice! Cheerful! Where's your spirit of forgiveness?"

He stood, frozen. He'd just been kicked to the curb. Kaylee wasn't the first female to do that to him, but still....

After she left, he picked up all the toilet paper and put it back on the straightened shelf. It was going to be another long night in his bunk, but it wasn't anything a nice chat with Vera couldn't fix. Shame that more women couldn't be as understanding.

'Course, he'd never dropped Vera.


	2. Restart

It had been a week, but to Jayne, it felt somethin' more like a year. It wasn't right, her ignorin' him.

He understood that her pride had been hurt. He'd hardly been the picture of a woman's sexin' fantasy, what with the _incident_ in the supply closet that had left her with a welt the color of a sunset on her forehead and him with the burnin'-est cheeks since...well, since that time when he'd been thirteen and discoverin' girls for the first time and his mother had walked in and, well, he'd been thirteen and discoverin' girls for the first time.

But the shutout he was currently facing wasn't about Kaylee's hurt pride anymore, he was convinced. It was about her pride, period. Pride about not givin' a guy who messed up another chance. Pride about not bein' the first to give in. Pride in her ability to be a stubborn mule, gorram her wants and needs.

Well, he'd had enough of pride. He'd certainly swallowed his when he went to Inara for advice. His skin had prickled the entire time he'd been in her stuffy shuttle, and he'd smelled himself constantly to make sure none of that incense she liked to burn seeped into his clothes. Smellin' like a rose was the doctor's thing, not Jayne's.

_Talk to her,_ Inara had said. _Tell her how you feel, and be sincere._

_How can I gorram talk to her,_ he'd asked, _when she ain't been more than two seconds in a room with me?_

Inara had just smiled. _I'm sure you'll think of something._

Some help she'd been.

But, exhausted of any other options, he found himself tromping down the hallway toward the engine room. He fully expected Kaylee to throw a wrench at his head, but he'd survived more than a few blows to the head and wasn't any stupider for it. He was pretty sure, anyway.

The big turbine thing and the other engine thing and the other bunch of things that made the ship run were chugging and whirring away when he stepped through the doorway. He didn't hear any weird sounds, so he figured that at least there was no danger that the ship would fly into a tailspin while he was tryin' to take a romantic stand, if that could be a small comfort.

He spotted her tinkering away at some mess of pipes and knobs in the corner. Her shirt and overalls were covered with grease, and her hair had come loose from her ponytail in several spots. He cleared his throat.

"Still tryin' to hide from me?" he asked.

"Didn't think you liked gears," she replied, not looking up as she gave a knob a hard twist.

"I ain't here for the gears," he said pointedly.

She put down her tools, stood, and wiped her hands on her pants, adding to the grease smudges on her clothes. "We ain't got nothin' to talk about, Jayne," she said, "so if you'll excuse me, I got work needs tendin'."

"Well, I ain't leavin'," he said, "'cause I got somethin' needs sayin' first.

"I know that you been ignorin' me, and I don't fully blame you. But I think you're bein' a coward."

At that, her eyes blazed at him. "You think I'm bein' a coward?" she snapped.

"A coward don't run when she sees a friend."

"We weren't bein' friends in that closet, Jayne."

"Well, a coward don't run when she sees a man she has feelings for, either."

Kaylee went very still, and Jayne had a hard time reading her stony face. His own heart pounded loudly in the silence.

"And you just happen to know my feelings," Kaylee said, a second too late to be convincing.

"I happen to know them 'cause I got those same feelings for you," he blurted. Suddenly, he felt light, like the invisible pressure he'd felt the entire week had disappeared. He took a step closer. "My week ain't been right without you, and it ain't just that the doctor and shepherd irk me somethin' powerful when you ain't around."

A small smile cracked Kaylee's face, and Jayne felt hopeful. "Come on, girl," he prodded gently. "Say you missed me, too."

Kaylee took a breath. "Maybe a little," she allowed.

Jayne came a little closer. "Maybe enough to forgive?"

"Maybe."

He came closer still. "Maybe enough to think about pickin' up where we left off?"

The edges of her lips curled into a bigger smile. "Do you mean before or after?"

He was now close enough to touch her, and he reached out and put his hand on her cheek. "Will you have 'before'?"

"I think I could," she said, and she lifted her face to meet his lips in a kiss that undeniably answered his question.

"Missed you, too," she said when they parted.

He pulled her into his arms and maneuvered her against a wall as he kissed her again, the heat between them building quickly. She grabbed at his jacket and pushed it off his shoulders, and he tugged at her overall straps. She laughed at his struggling and helped him, then wrapped her legs around his waist as she peeled off his T-shirt.

"I want to feel you down to my bones," she whispered urgently against his mouth.

He laughed and gave her a decadent kiss that made her moan. "Baby girl, when I'm through with you, you're gonna feel like you ain't got any."


	3. Words Get in the Way

Ruttin'.

He was a ruttin' _god_, was what he was.

A thrustin', howlin', turn-your-insides-into-jelly, need-a-smoke-later sexin' _machine_.

Jayne Cobb, sweat rolling down his forehead, was a man on a mission. A man on a mission in the missionary position.

And his mission, at the moment, was centered on one Kaylee Frye, who was herself moanin' and writhin' like a girl gettin' religion.

It weren't called _missionary_ for nothin'.

The worn springs in the mattress squawked defiantly as the rickety bunk bounced up and down, back and forth, at an Olympic pace.

"Oh...oh...Jayne!" Kaylee gasped, as Jayne worked what his good mama had blessed him with. "Oh, God...oh, Buddha...I'm...I..._Jayne_!" The last word came out as a delirious tribute to a job well done, and Jayne collapsed, muscles burning, as pleasure washed over him.

For the next several moments, they did nothing but pant, as the ecstasy subsided and they could move again.

After a lengthy kiss, Jayne rolled off to the side and regarded his partner. "Pretty gorram good, huh," he said, feeling like a lordly lion after a kill.

Kaylee turned her head, strands of tangled hair matted to her damp face, and gave him a sated, dreamy smile. "I'll say," she said, still trying to catch her breath.

Jayne grinned wickedly. "You like it when I did that thing with my--"

"Oh, yeah," Kaylee interrupted, a new flush coming over her cheeks. "That was.... I thought I was gonna...." She trailed off, searching for the right word, and then giggled. "We need to do that again."

The past week had been one big, sexed-up haze. Since their first encounter in the engine room, they hadn't been able to keep their hands off each other. The engine room (multiple times; Jayne had started understanding why engines got Kaylee so het up), the dining hall (late at night), the infirmary (also at night, and it had tickled Jayne when Simon had complained the next day about things being out of place), the airlock, the floor of the cargo bay (not that comfortable, and pretty dusty), and even the cockpit (a close call--he'd barely got his pants zipped up before Wash walked in)--no place had been safe from them. It was a wonder they'd been able to get their regular jobs done in the meantime, but it suited Jayne just fine.

He chuckled quietly as he propped himself up on one elbow and admired Kaylee's body. Girl had the best set of tits in the 'verse--and he'd seen his fair share of good ones. Gorram, she made him and his pecker crazy. If they laid there too long, he was gonna want another go at her. Fortunately for him, she liked goin' at it just as much as he did, if not more. Basically, he'd concluded, she was the perfect woman. Plus, he liked her for _her_, confoundin' as it was to him that someone could be that cheery all the time. It was rubbin' off on him, too. She had him doin' nice things for her and for other people, and half the time he didn't even realize it until it was pointed out to him. If he wasn't careful, he was gonna lose his reputation as the resident shitkicker.

Kaylee snuggled closer and pulled his arm around her. "I like bein' with you," she murmured.

"You ain't so bad, either," Jayne replied, running his fingers over her skin.

Kaylee turned her head, and they shared a series of slow kisses. Gorram, that girl could kiss, Jayne thought as his body started winding up again.

"So," Kaylee said after they'd parted, "what do you think of my bunk?"

Jayne nuzzled her neck. "Oh, I like your bunk just fine," he said, his mind already racing ahead to more aerobic activities. His lower half heartily agreed with him. "Can't believe we never did it in here before." He pulled Kaylee a little closer to give her the hint that he was ready for an encore.

To his surprise, his hint seemed not to take. "No, I meant my room," Kaylee clarified, suddenly very un-libidinous. "I told you I was redecoratin'. So what do you think?" She motioned to the rest of the room with her eyes.

Jayne dragged his eyes away from Kaylee and took a look around the dimly lit room for the first time. He'd been a little too _preoccupied_ before. "Well...." he began, his stomach starting to feel cold.

"Yeah?" Kaylee asked eagerly.

He'd never been in a place quite so _girly_ before. That pink monstrosity of a dress that she'd worn to that Core shindig was hanging in the corner, looming down on them like an overbearing mother-in-law. Pinned to the wall were a variety of wildflowers, arranged in flower-like patterns. Clusters of photos and letters from friends hung on the walls, with lots of added paper cut-outs like smiley faces and hearts. For all her grease monkey, overalls-wearin' tendencies, Kaylee definitely was a female at heart.

All the pink and hearts and flowers made Jayne feel like he was getting a rash.

"It's, uh, well, it's...you done good," Jayne sputtered. Prodded on by Kaylee's intense gaze, he added, as seriously as he could, "I like the, uh, those flower thingies. Those look real nice in those there patterns."

Kaylee pulled away from him. "You don't like it, do you?" she asked accusingly.

"I didn't say that!" Jayne protested.

"I worked a long time on gettin' this room presentable! Why do you think we never came here before?"

"'Cause we were havin' too much gorram fun doin' it everywhere else?" Jayne knew immediately that that had been the wrong answer. "Oh, come on, like you didn't have a good time doin' it on the dinner table! You wanted to call it _forking_!"

Kaylee sat up, pulling the thin bedsheet tightly around her. "Jayne, I am sharin' a piece of myself with you. Could you at least be a little sensitive?"

"Honey, sensitivity ain't in a man's make-up. You got a great bunk; you got a great room. It don't have to be any fancier than that."

Kaylee's face turned near purple, and Jayne figured that encore was gonna have to wait. Maybe for a good, long while.

"So is that what this is to you?" Kaylee asked. "A bunch of secret humpin' and that's it?"

"I didn't say that!" Jayne repeated, now growing frustrated. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm just bein' honest with you, sugar. 'Bout everything."

Kaylee glared at him. "I think you should go back to your own bunk, Jayne."

"Fine." Jayne threw back the sheets and jumped out of bed. If she was gonna be unreasonable, it was best she spend some time by herself, then. He fished around on the floor for his pants and thrust each leg into them, then shoved his feet into his boots. "But when you got an itch to scratch, don't come knockin' on my door, 'cause I ain't gonna be there."

"Well, don't hold your breath!" Kaylee shouted.

"I won't need to!" he bellowed.

Kaylee let out a screech of helpless frustration and tossed a pillow at him. "And to think I told Mal about us today!"

Jayne froze with his hand on the door.

"You did _what_??"


	4. Best Served Cold

**A/N: ** After kicking around some ideas, I've decided to try to continue this story. Let me know what you think! I'm interested in hearing your thoughts and suggestions!

* * *

**BEST SERVED COLD**

_Told Mal!_

Kaylee's words were the first thing on Jayne's mind the next morning, and he felt as incensed about it as ever. _Told Mal!_ Like he needed the captain to have another reason to watch him extra close!

He grimaced as he sat up in bed and went to stretch -- only to feel a searing pain shoot up his neck. Must've slept all cocked up in bed, he instantly surmised, feeling a fresh flare of anger.

"Gorram it!" he roared, wanting to punch something but not being nearly so simple as to ram his fist into the thick metal wall of his quarters. For the record, he'd tried that two years ago, and he knew what the result of that was. He thought of his mother, who'd always shaken her head and asked him when he was going to learn. Well, she'd be right proud that he'd at least learned something since leaving the nest.

******

The rest of the crew tried to hide surprised expressions when Jayne showed up for breakfast with his head curiously tilted to the side.

"Would you like a biscuit?" the Shepherd asked, holding up a basket of what looked like corn-colored rocks.

Jayne scowled at him. "Only if they're soaked in gin."

"Leave it to Jayne to discuss drinkin' at this hour of the day," Kaylee said from the opposite end of the table.

Jayne glared at her. "I'll discuss drinkin' whenever I gorram feel like it."

Kaylee seemed unmoved by his hostility. "Cussin', too. Ain't that civilized."

"And you're the authority on civilization," Jayne shot back.

"I got more schoolin' than you," Kaylee spat, eyes blazing.

Wash chose that moment to pipe up. "You know, I had the most delightful dream last night. There were rainbows and ponies and singing forest creatures in it."

"Oh, Husband," Zoe said, patting Wash's hand.

"Ain't got much use for singing forest creatures, but rainbows and ponies I'll take," Mal said.

Remembering his stiff neck, Jayne set his eyes on Simon. "Doctor, after breakfast, could I have a word?"

Simon looked up at Jayne with a startled expression. Jayne had always gotten the impression that Simon resented and feared Jayne in equal amounts.

"Of course," Simon said politely, although his eyes betrayed pure terror.

"Good," Jayne said.

"Oh, Simon," Kaylee called, batting her eyes. "If you have a moment sometime today, I've got a little ache I was hopin' you could help me with. Somethin' just don't seem right about me, and I ain't got a clue." As she spoke, she rubbed her neck and collarbone, tilting her head to give Simon a good look at the expanse of white skin.

Jayne narrowed his eyes as the drool practically dribbled out of Simon's gaping mouth.

"Of course, Kaylee," Simon said quickly, the words coming out so fast they nearly fell on top of each other. "I'm free all day. I'd be happy to help you wherever -- er, whenever you like."

"Great," Kaylee said, fluttering her lashes at him one more time. "I can't wait to have your hands on me, fixin' me in all the right places."

It didn't surprise Jayne one bit when Simon reached for another biscuit and knocked over his water instead.

Glowering, Jayne stuffed the remainder of his biscuit into his own mouth and chewed ferociously, downing the crusty lump with a draught of stale water. He was going to be the first one in the doctor's office, if it killed him.

He had just wiped his mouth on his sleeve and stood up to leave, when Mal stopped him.

"Jayne, a word, please," the captain said, and judging by the tone of his voice, and with a sinking feeling in his stomach, Jayne had a good idea of what Mal was going to say.

******

Mal smiled broadly at Jayne. "I'm glad we've come to an understandin'."

Jayne forced a smile. It was a little hard to consider something an _understanding_ when it more or less consisted of the captain tellin' you all the ways he'd rip your limbs from your body if you set one foot wrong with his precious angel baby Kaylee. It had been on the tip of Jayne's tongue to tell Mal that there weren't nothin' between him and Kaylee and that Kaylee had herself somethin' of an imagination -- but then Mal had said that he didn't know no one more honest than Kaylee and if anyone were ever to call her a liar, he'd have their head then and there and enjoy every second of it. So, valuing his head, Jayne had wisely kept his mouth shut.

"Me, too," Jayne lied.

"Just remember, I got my eye on you," Mal said with a little too much cheerfulness. He slapped Jayne on the back, and Jayne was pretty sure he'd dislodged some internal organs.

"Wouldn't have it no other way," Jayne replied with like cheer. He offered another strained smile and, sensing their meeting was over, hot-footed it out of Mal's presence as quickly as he could without it seeming like he was running away.

Which was exactly was he was doing, but the captain needn't know.

******

Jayne hurried down the stairs to the infirmary. Maybe, just maybe, Kaylee had gotten distracted and he'd find the doctor alone. Gorram, but his neck was gettin' to be a pain.

He stopped short in front of the large window to the infirmary.

Inside, Kaylee sat perched on the edge of the examining chair, her shirt unbuttoned to a temptin' degree. Behind her, Simon was massaging her bare shoulders, staring determinedly at the ceiling and not at any of Kaylee's creamy exposed skin.

"Oh, yeah, right there," Kaylee moaned, tossing her head back and letting her hair spill all over Simon's hands. "Oh…yeah…"

Jayne gaped at the scene in front of him, not sure if horror or rage was his predominant emotion. Seeing another man's hands touch Kaylee was bad enough -- but it was downright near as bad seeing the pretty-faced doctor's pathetic, twitchy look of near-rapture as Kaylee gave him a show his ears wouldn't soon forget.

"Yes!" Kaylee shouted. "Harder! Yes! No one can do it like you, Simon! Oh, God!"

Jayne could feel his blood boiling in his ears. He had half a mind to rip the doors open and give the doctor a rearrangement of every pretty feature in his face, but just as he took a step to the door, he saw Kaylee's eyes open. She looked directly at him and smiled triumphantly.

Jayne felt his entire body trembling. That little -- why, that -- she --

"YEAARRRGHHHHH!!!" he roared.

Turning on his heel, he stomped off down the corridor, his steps rattling every loose bolt along the way.

If she was gonna be like that, two could play at that game.

******

_POUND, POUND, POUND._

_POUND, POUND, POUND._

_POUND, POUND, POUND._

The door to Inara's shuttle swooshed open, revealing a disgruntled-looking Companion.

"Jayne," Inara said, sounding cross.

Jayne's lips curled in a diabolical smile. "Hello, sweetheart. I need your help."


End file.
